Things I Used to Wear: Cosmetics
(If you can even call SCENTED GLITTER GLOSS a cosmetic.)
Luckily, while I was home taking pictures of ugly clothing, I came across a plastic bag filled with old cosmetics that was hidden in my closet. I was fairly disgusted when I found it, because it’s part of my Current Common Knowledge that most beauty-type products have a surprisingly short shelf life and should be discarded after a year (if not less). Right? Or maybe thats just what magazines say because Revlon and Maybelline need ladies to keep buying more mascara. Who knows?
*Note: The original picture of this was terrible. I used my mediocre Photoshop-type program skills to doctor it into a more appropriate image.*
But let’s return to the issue at hand. SCENTED. GLITTER. GLOSS. I’ve chosen to break down this predicament piece by piece.
1. SCENTED. Generally speaking, artificial scents or tastes correspond to the color of the item, right? So what does ‘green’ smell like, you ask? Green smells like liquid bubbles. The kind in the bottle with the wand that you blow through and then chase around the yard, that has pretty large warning on the side reading, “DO NOT INGEST.” That is the green smell that I put on my face.
2. GLITTER. Fortunately, the glitter was rather small, not like chunks of glitter you use for crafts. But as you can see, it had a greenish tint, which is probably a color better suited for an alien or nymph ensemble, rather than your everyday oversized-t-shirt-and-baggy-jeans combo.
3. GLOSS. Nowadays, when you think of gloss, you probably imagine a fairly thickish tinted substance that you apply to the lips. Back in the late 90s, ‘gloss’ was more of a euphemism for a liquidy jelly used as a vehicle for transporting scents and glitters to a desired surface. But really, I suppose if the gloss had been actually glossy, it would stolen the glitter’s thunder. That would have been a shame.
I don’t remember exactly when or where I procured this product, but I have a feeling it was in the 7th grade. That seems to be the year when (relatively) dramatic and horrible things happened. Actually, I don’t know exactly what happened, but in my mind 7th grade=hell.
So the thing about Scented Glitter Gloss is that you couldn’t just apply it anywhere. I may have been ugly and insecure, but I wasn’t A COMPLETE IDIOT. Scented Glitter Gloss was only supposed to be applied to your high cheek bones and temples. Anywhere else on your face was tacky. However, one of the chemical properties of glitter is that it will never stay on the surface you originally put it and inevitably ends up on your chin or in your mouth or eye. Plus, being 12, I’m sure my hands were all over my face anyway, so it’s unlikely that there wasn’t glitter on every surface of my clothes and body. Jesus christ.
Where did the glitter thing start? Does anyone remember? If it had anything to do with the Spice Girls, I don’t need to explain why I owned this product. Also, I remember girls bringing their own Scented Glitter Glosses to school and applying it during class or whatever.
Question: Are kids in middle school now as ugly as we used to be? I don’t see how that’s even possible.
